Good News, Bad News

Let's start with the good news. This fall I am starting my student teaching which will be my final semester. Last week, I recieved a letter informing me that I have been selected to recieve a new scholarship for student teaching. This was not the type scholarship you apply or. In fact, I didn't even know it existed since GMU has very few scholarships in the music program. Here's what the letter reads.

"Friends of Music (FOM) is pleased to inform you that you will be the first recipient of the Dr. William and Shirley Billingham Student Teacher Award for the Fall 2011 semester. This $1000 scholarship was created specifically for student teachers for the semester in which they are doing their student teaching. The School of Music faculty recommended you for this scholarship based on specific criteria involving your dedication to music and commitment to educational excellence."

This was quite a wonderful surprise and I feel incredibly honored that they selected me out of a pool of 12 other students who are student teaching this fall. It will look really good on my resume and will definitely help me to get a job quickly. I just hope I can live up to everyone's expectations.

The letter also requested a picture and a short bio and for various department publications. I realized that the last picture I've had taken of just myself was by bridal portraits, ha! So, I asked my friend, Kara, who is an amazing photographer, to take some headshots for me. Below is one of the best.

Ok, here comes the bad news. You don't have to read on.....I won't be offended.

My experience with clomid has not been at all what I expected. The two possible outcomes I was prepared for were pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. The only thing clomid did was make my pain exponentially worse, to the point that I went to the ER not once, but twice. I finally saw the good doc today and I didn't like what I heard.

Let me go back a bit. Before I started the clomid I went off the pain meds altogether. I found that I felt better off of them because I was no longer groggy all the time and, truely, they weren't helping the pain that much anyway. The day after I took my first clomid I felt amazing, better than I have felt in longer than I can remember. I continued to feel good until two days after taking my last pill. Then it got a lot worse.

Apparently, this was very telling. You see, clomid supresses the production of estrogen. So, there is a connection between my pain and estrogen. Next, the doc did a sonogram and found that I am, in fact, not ovulating at all. The clomid didn't even do what it was supposed to do. If we were to try the clomid again he would double the dosage in the hopes that it would be more effective the second time around. The pain spike I experienced (should say am experiencing) he called "rebound pain." So, if I doubled my dose of clomid wouldn't my rebound pain double as well? I think I'll pass.

By process of elimination it appears that I have endometriosis. This is a diagnosis that I had not even considered but as I have done some research I have found that it fits my symptoms like a glove. I told the doc that we don't want any more fertility treatments and that we want to be as agressive as necessary to solve the problem. The fact of the matter is, my condition is unlivable. I absolutely cannot go down the infertility road, which could go on for years, when I am in this much pain on a regular basis. I have two beautiful kids who need me to be better now.

The doc prescribed me Lupron which is an injected drug that simulates menopause. The purpose of this is to see if a hysterectomy would eliminate my pain. (Lupron is not an option for long-term treament.) If the Lupron works, then we're looking at surgery right around Christmas time. The idea of removing my uterus scares me to death. It's just so final. But, there is nothing else to do. I'm extremely anxious about all of this (hence I am up at 4:26am blogging.) The Lupron will make my symptoms worse for two weeks before it will start to make them better. It's going to be a long two weeks. I really hope this works.